They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that time heals all wounds. But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. 6-12 years. But I really related to the authors comments about how many family traditions especially holiday celebrations have been irrevocably impacted. Thanks agai, appreciate what youve written. I wa interested in this website. It helped me process all my pent up sorrow since theres no one in my group of friends or family I would like to share this with. And after all, since my boys are no longer children, these days its at those events that I am most likely to be interacting with my sons at the holidays, a graduation, some other special celebration. But I try to be grateful for all they do for her they live in the same city as my daughter while I am out of state. I initiated it. Just an occasional issue with finances. Obviously the grass is greener wasnt that green. Im still feeling the wound 36 years after the divorce. And my bitterness prevents me from speaking to her, despite her efforts to remain friends. The family I thought I had was broken by the man I gave my life to in marriage, nothing is ever the same again. This article resonates every sentiment I feel. I feel I am now existing in some sort of dreadful limbo. We just needed to voice our shared experience. Ive remarried,but the grass is not greener over here.How I wish I could turn back time. Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.8 years Females: 7.9 years. For example, youre allowing your thoughts of adoption to be muddied by thoughts of the way it should be. Although it may be different than the one you imagined, after a divorce you do still have a future to look forward to. }] Ali November 14, 2015 At 1:56 pm. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. joanne. Its pretty impossible to put into words how I feel after 5 years since our family disintegrated. Friendship is not what I want at all. Thank you for finding those words. I do wish you peace, as I wish this for everyone in our situation. You arent able to find joy in your life as it is. if I ever get another chance with her I will treat her as a queen . after 5 years the pain I think is worse . 10 years is more than enough my dear. Making choices so the kids like you. },{ When you ask your 21 year old how her mom is doing ,she says not good and starts sobbing. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. An example is engaging in mind teasing activities, for instance going back to school for your masters on a part-time basis. I was married for 29 years and so I am almost there. Thank you, Ms. Wolf, for expressing what I have been feeling. Excellent article. I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership. But that is life I am told and at 49 years old, starting over dirt poor and broken is not ideal. I have truly tried to find out who I am. I decided that we had no passion or at least I had little to none for him and I wasn't willing to work very hard on it. You deserve to come to peace with your divorce so that you can begin a new and richer life. Time is supposed to heal us and all our wounds. Allow Yourself to Be Jealous. Dont allow bitterness to rule I know it isnt easy, but we have no choice but to accept what has happened & deal with it. Thank you for expressing and sharing your thoughts. Its a good thing too, for if I hadnt I know what I feel now would be far worse. There is nothing wrong with you other than youve not accepted where you are now and let go of the hopes and plans you had when married. I feel I was used long enough to help her get her Masters degree and pay bills then I was no longer needed. Give yourself that time to focus on what will make YOU happy. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. The accusations are almost laughable. But, I was wrong. A fractured. Wishing you all the best But the pain never goes away . Look beyond your broken marriage, erase the thoughts of your Ex and concentrate on other matters. Intense anger may be the main reason most former spouses have no interest in. Thank you for this article. } My exhusband moved on quickly and even has a new baby. Might have been easier on me emotionally if he had died. There are several factors that may contribute to the sadness that is coming up for you post-divorce, including how tied your identity is to your ex-partner and whether you've allowed yourself to fully grieve. I encourage you, if you are not already doing so, to have those moments alone with Jesus, talk to Him, He is not only our healer but also Your friend that Loves you so dearly How shes by herself, struggling financially and emotionally . A lot of it hit home with me. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. I am grateful that the man in my life sees my joy and hears my laughter; these are qualities in our life together that are our normal. (How great is that?) Transformational Coaching and Psychotherapy, Benjamin Schwarcz, MFT, ACAP-EFT, Santa Rosa Psychotherapist and Coach, Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy, EFT Clinical Consultation for Health Professionals, Tapping Into Joy: Meridian Tapping and Mindfulness for Depression. Thank God I found this. Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. and special occasions are the hardest. 1. She is the single mother of two boys. 11. Thank you for letting us with the dead dreams know were not alone on the days its sharp. It sort of put me in a bad spot, because I have no family of my own, so her family was my family. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. My ex moved on, remarried a month after the divorce. This article really resonates with me. At the moment its him using we/our in his e-mails because I am having his sister to stay. Nobody really understands. Wow, I was taken aback by this editors unkindness and lack of compassion. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. Would you prefer to share this page with others by linking to it? I googled this lingering pain. I have tried to console myself by saying, "leaving my ex was the most compassionate thing I could do since he deserved to be desired by someone". After a breakup, I like most people, feel like a shell of a woman, with no hope for a better future. I wish everyone here the peace and happiness you deserve, and if the pain is still there, so be it ignore the platitudes (time is a healer. ", After 28 years, my husband wanted a life with a very younger woman and has subsequently erased his family. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. I was caring, nice, compassionate person, but people ignore me anyway. I identified with your feelings of sadness many years after divorce. Perhaps it arises on those occasions that invariably spark old memories. He didnt ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him the hurt and emptiness is too deep. I pray daily for all those who have been broken by betrayal and abandonment. They say it takes a year per year that you were married to heal. Hang in there, perhaps get a pet.mine have given me pleasure & a reason to keep going. Purpose to become happy, engage in a relationship that matters and invests in yourself in a better way. 22. Good luck to everyone here as well divorce is tough but we are tougher . Yes, I am male. I had so many changes to adjust to. Yes, even the not wanting to date after a divorce. Hang on there, you are so precious to God, and there is not one moment whatsoever that He has not been by your side, He will carry you thru this. Coparenting is difficult. Almost the minute he left I was being told to move on, make a life for myself etc. Not everyone makes it to acceptance. It leaves a mark,my divorce will always be a sad event in my life like other sad things.I choose to see how I have survived and thrived and I look at my kids now 9 and 10 and think' I did that'.I am proud ,a liitle battered and bruised by the journey but proud nonetheless. Divorce can be worse than dying. So.i take some comfort from the fact that others feel this way as well. Divorce at this point takes the order of the day. My marriage lasted 21 years, I was with her for 23 years. Great article!!! Yet in our many hard years since the marriage ended, there was a great deal of good in our little household of one mom, two boys and a big mutt. Thank you for sharing. The more you feed your mind with positive thoughts, the more you can overcome. Still sometimes sad about not having the life I expected. The days I dont see my son are brutally hard. "@type": "Question", Yeah.). College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. Pain can coexist with happiness. While I am not a mom, I am a dad. I am glad I read this. No anger but deep deep hurt. Am I happy where I am now, DEFINITELY. We grew up together, worked in various cities, had good friends, loved each other's familys and then I just left him. Concentrate on investments that would help you work out what is best for you and stop being obsessed about your ex-partner. Best artical I have read on divorce. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. And so I come to accept my reality: Sadness can coexist with happiness; some wounds may never heal though we learn to live with the pain; some pain may never subside completely. 'We were still in love when our marriage ended' I got divorced because of a communication breakdown (that oversimplifies it, really) but I regret it because we were probably still in love when. Deeply sad, and still in pain. But I still think what I did, in leaving him was the worst thing I've ever done or will ever do and it absolutely breaks my heart. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. Our daughter is getting married this year, to a lovely chap but my cynicism remembers the lovely young chap I put my faith and future in! I know it is possible to lose conscious contact with that inner peace and love, and I know how tempting it is to think that our love walked away when we parted ways with our dream mate - but if you perpetuate this delusion you cause yourself much more pain.One of the best tools for moving on and letting go of past traumas, regrets, losses and so on - is Meridian Tapping/EFT. You are welcome to reach out to me at, [emailprotected] Bless you! Your piece really spoke to me. People will go to a bar t drink overnight to forget the pains in them. Divorce is a complex process that can lead to confusing and painful feelings. Many subsequent marriage proposals when younger but no remarriage. We met my freshman year of college and I truely feel that he shaped who I am today in the most positive way anyone ever could and then I left him. But the pain lingers under the surface always. We are expected to be resilient after a major loss or major life event such as divorce. They touched upon painful feelings, paranoia, debt, and loss of friends. ", Although my ex did apologize, he never really clarified WHY he left. I have really enjoyed reading everyones story and I realise now that I am very normal 10 years on. It hurts badly, no matter how long. Accept, move on and be ready to overcome any challenges that come along the way.